7 ways to cultivate love in your life

Most of us are looking for someone who loves us or loves us. We do not think of cultivating self-love nor do we realize that love originates from within. You may be looking for a relationship, but research suggests that single people are actually happier than married people, with the exception of happily married people. But even that diminishes over time. A new study shows that, on average, after the first year, spouses return to their initial state of happiness before marriage. So, similar to the conclusions reached in studies of lottery winners, after marriage and after winning, we eventually go back to how happy we are as individuals.

Self-esteem matters. Research has well established that it is an important factor in health and happiness in marriage. Low self-esteem can keep us from reaping the rewards of love in a relationship.

In fact, the level of our self-esteem before a relationship can predict its longevity.

We think of ourselves based on things we were told, incorrect inferences, and false beliefs informed by the trauma and upbringing we received. These beliefs, defenses and learned habits are not who we are, they are not our natural and authentic selves. How can we get it back?

cultivating love

Cultivating self-love is a worthwhile endeavor for ourselves and for having happy relationships. Science has shown these remarkable benefits associated with love:

Better stress management
sleep better
better heart health
longer lives
Improved self-esteem
greater happiness
Lower risk of depression

We are all born innocent and worthy of love. Our flaws, mistakes, and things that happened affected us, but they are not who we are inherently. When we carry shame, we can self-sabotage the very love we seek. Once we understand this, we can begin to change our concept of ourselves and nurture our real selves.

Your mind is a garden, your thoughts are the seeds.

You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.

Love is like a garden that we need to fertilize and cultivate. To fully give and receive love, we must first pull out the weeds that sabotage it. We avoid invasive pests in the form of toxic relationships and welcome animals that protect and help our garden grow.

Cultivate self-acceptance

What we resist persists. When we do not accept ourselves, we strengthen a negative self-concept. Low self-esteem is self-reinforcing, making change and self-acceptance difficult. Paradoxically, when we accept our flaws, it’s easier to let them go.

Self-acceptance is greater than self-esteem, and self-acceptance paves the way for self-love. It means honoring and accepting ourselves fully, including our flaws, appearance, mistakes, and feelings. Learn to stop self-criticism and Raise your Self-esteem.

self forgiveness

What we did is not who we are. Remaining in self-blame and self-condemnation is harmful. On the other hand, guilt can motivate us to change and get closer to others. Great healing is possible with confession, self-forgiveness, and amends. Overcoming guilt frees us from the past and the person we once were. It paves the way for transformation, integrity, self-respect and self-love.

Love is indivisible. It is difficult to love ourselves when we harbor hatred towards another person. Also, resentment towards ourselves or towards others keeps us stuck. When we forgive others, we feel freer and better about ourselves. Similarly, as we develop self-compassion and forgive ourselves, we are more tolerant and compassionate towards others. There are specific steps and stages in forgiveness. Follow them in Freedom from Guilt and Blame: Finding Self-Fgiveness.

cultivate self-esteem

After pulling out the weeds, we must nurture our garden with self-esteem. Our mind does not distinguish between praise coming from others or our own words and thoughts. Do you focus on your flaws and deny or take your positive attributes for granted? Take inventory of your strengths, accomplishments, loving qualities, acts of courage, and your desire to give, love, and grow. Practice appreciating yourself and others. Each day write down three things you did well and qualities about yourself that you or other people appreciate. Focus on the positive, instead of the negative. It takes time and consistency to replace bad habits with life-affirming ones.

self expression

Whether it’s from growing up in a dysfunctional family system or from trauma later in life, when we deny painful emotions, we actually block out positive ones as well. When we block out pain, we cannot feel joy. We close our hearts and number ourselves. Holding back feelings is a form of self-rejection that can lead to depression and can cause health problems and illness. We develop self-love when we express our feelings, needs and desires. Negative feelings dissolve and positive ones multiply. We are liberated and have more energy to move forward.

Cultivating love through action

When we ignore, hide, or dismiss our needs and wants, we become irritable, resentful, and unhappy. But satisfying our needs and desires are essential ways to cultivate self-love that uplift our spirits. It is key to happiness that calms and revitalizes us. Conversely, when we act contrary to our values, such as lying or stealing, we undermine our self-esteem. Doing estimable acts raises our self-esteem. We are able to raise our heads and feel served with respect and love. Do random acts of kindness that you can add to your “he did well” list.

Cultivating Gratitude

Gratitude is a high vibration that opens our hearts. It has been scientifically proven to be curative. Practice gratitude by looking for things in your life and in the world to be grateful for, even when you don’t feel it. Write a daily gratitude list and read it to someone.

self love visualizations

You can enhance love with visualization. Inhale and exhale from the center of your chest. Imagine that it opens like a door or a flower. Imagine a pink or green light going in and out as you breathe. Focus on beauty and the things you are grateful for. Say loving affirmations. (Listen to my Self Love Mediation.) Send this love to those you care about, yourself, those in need and the planet.

The above steps open your heart. Practice expressing love and compassion in all aspects of your life to experience greater peace and joy. Learn more self-care tips.

© 2020 Darlene Lancer